a letter to you.

I've been a little mia the past month or so, because really this thing is consuming me. Literally making my stomach sink when i think about it. so I'm writing this letter to someone here to just get some things off my mind.

To you,

Do you remember how great things used to be? What happened? No body really understands. You were the one who told me, "nothing is better than this, don't let anyone fool you." And every day I live like this, why don't you anymore? Do you notice it isn't there, you can't spin it anymore.  What's it like over there, up there, in there? You've compartmentalized us out, and refuse to let us in. We are so close yet I feel we are on different sides of the planet.  Why did I have to find out like that, couldn't you just tell me? I just want to  understand. Not that anyone really can because we aren't you, but you have a way with words anyways, can't you pick up the phone, meet me and try to explain?  A letter would do, too-the old fashion kind. Do you remember how happy you were? Is that ball of curls a reminder of it? What's your take on it?

Love,

me

give me your thoughts?

so here's the deal for next year... do i move home or find someone to live with?

the lovely lady i am living with right now is moving home next year to save up some money

the lovely lady i was planning on living with next year now gets to graduate early so it would be silly for her to stay all year unless she gets a job, which would be great, but we are uncertain.

i have other options of living with another girl, or possibly waiting to hear if someone moves out and i could move in.  

but shouldn't i make a decision soon?!

it would be great to move home! save money, sleep in my new bedroom (my parents just bought new furniture), eat home cooked meals, be around my precious little puppy elsie...

but my parents and i get along so much better now that i'm out of their hair, 

and sometimes when i'm home a lot we start to build tension! 

i definitely do not want my senior year in college to be insane because i decided to move home and save up some money... 

and curfew? i'd hope i wouldn't have one! 

chores? that was a big one in high school, 

i love coming home now and doing a surprise clean for my parents and i know they appreciate it... but i don't know if i would want it to be my JOB next year... ya know? 

things get dirty with a 16 year old brother and a busy busy family... 

would it be worth it?

did you move home? would you have? am i crazy for even considering it? advice??

it's like a rubix cube.

funny thing about weather is that you can never rely on it listening to you

but you can always rely on it teasing you

today is rainy. real rainy

 

{via}

but not all is awful.

i went to class and then scooted to the gym

where i did something crazy! 

i stayed on the treadmill for 45 minutes. 

i know, crazy.

i did 5 minutes walk - 6 minute runs

and of course jammed to the classics like

party in the u.s.a (in honor of our boys playing hockey)

body language (by jesse mcartney... not sure why, but love it!)

and hey, soul sister... great running music!

recently i have been trying to figure out my future.

bad idea. i know...

but really come on! who doesn't want to have some kind of plan for their future??

i had a real awkward convo with p's parents at lunch when i mentioned something about probably finding a year long job and the mr. asked why? and i simply stated because i would follow p after he graduated (1 year of grad school).  i got a strange look from both the mr. & the mrs.... i know they support p and i completely. and i'm like 90% positive they are excited to add me to their family, one day.  

but really, it was an awkward moment all around... i'm not sure if it was because i read into it way to much (which is the likely case) or because really, should i search for a one year job... would it be more beneficial to just pack up and go where we will be going...just get there a year earlier? 

or should i stay and do part time, 

volunteer for a year... 

or just take some time off?

oh planning. it makes me crazy sometimes... i wish my mind would let me let it go. it will all fall into place eventually. 

i just need to find patience.

friendship

 

so here is something i have been pondering...

college and friendships.

i have been realizing how i really don't talk to a lot of my friends from high school anymore.

see,

there was this group of us.

we didn't have a special name or anything

but we were together all the time

like a stitched seam

but since college that seam has been pulled and we have gradually fallen away from each other

the worst part is, is that we are on the same college campus!

but it seems like recently it has been a one way show

me calling them to see if they want to hang out

but they are both in sororities and are too busy with that and partying

and on top of that i am busy too with younglife

so i don't blame it all on them.

our schedules just seem to clash. all the time.

so finally after some unreturned phone calls i called it quits

i stopped calling, text, writing on their fb walls

and decided that college changes people.

we aren't the same girls we used to be

we have different goals

different beliefs

different loves

and i was ok with that

then randomly last night one of them texted me

not a "hey, how's it going lets hang out"

but something that normal people who talk all the time would say

but i followed it up with a "p.s. how are you?"

returned with "good, i'm at work right now but we need to get coffee sometime"

and i agree.

just because she let me go i shouldn't just give up on our friendship right?

i just get confused.

i love her

but i don't love the way she has treated me in the past few years

i know forgiveness is in order

and i will forgive her.

but in all honesty

would you want to be friends with someone who doesn't share the same

beliefs

morals

&

loves

as you?

someone who cut you out of their life just because?

someone with whom there isn't much in common with anymore?

is it OK to not be friends with them?

you were best friends for years, swept away by the busy life of college....

a friendship ripped at the seam

mend it or not?